0 Film Friday #2

Four films that are so bad I've never watched them all the way through

1) Chances Are (1989) Robert Downey Jr, Cybill Shepherd

Louie Jeffries, a happily married man, is killed while crossing the road on his first anniversary. He is reincarnated as Alex Finch (Downey) and twenty years later an encounter with Louie's daughter starts bringing back memories; he decides to pursue his now-widowed wife (Shepherd), and hilarity ensues.

Well, I imagine it was all supposed to be a joke, I really hope they weren't trying to be serious. It's not the overall premise I disagree with, in fact I consider it in the same vein Ricky Gervais' Ghost Town, but the ending - oh, the ending. I'm telling you what happens, it probably won't spoil the film for you. Louie's daughter is attracted to Finch, which is how he ends up going home with her, meeting her mother, and remembering his past life. Ultimately, he's 'cured' of his memories and hooks up with the daughter - despite everyone knowing he used to be Louie. They all remember him proving who he was, they know deep down that he's the girl's father, but they end up together anyway. I was so incredulous I've never been able to watch the movie without an impending sense of dread, usually resolving in me giving up and watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang instead.

2) High Plains Invaders (2009) James Marsters

In 1892, a man is about to be hanged for his crimes, but first - he must save the town from giant alien bugs.

If I could reach through the screen and slap some sense into my favourite Buffy actor, I would. The whole plot can be summed up in one sentence. This review is already longer than the plot. Its easy to draw parallels with Starship Troopers, but you could get Neil Patrick Harris to guest star as the space bugs' tapdancing, jazz-handed leader wearing nothing but hotpants and a bowtie and I still wouldn't watch it.


3) Lady In The Water (2006) Paul Giamatti

A superintendent finds a mermaid-like creature trapped in the pool of his hotel.

One can only assume M. Night Shyamalan had a nervous break while making this film; I wouldn't be able to explain the plot of this film to you if Bill Murray signing up for Ghostbusters 3 depended on it. The worst part, though, is the character of Vick Ran (played by Shyamalan himself), a writer so inspirational and brilliant the whole fate of the government rests with him. His foil is the despised, idiotic film critic, who meets a violent and unecessary end.

He's basically nailed his personal emotions to a baseball bat and beat you over the head with it. Surprisingly the film was panned by almost all film critics, and Shyamalan has never really bounced back from it.


4) Battle of Los Angeles (2011) Nia Peeples, Kel Mitchell

I know what you're thinking; Battle: Los Angeles was a good film, how could you not watch all of it? No, no - Battle of Los Angeles, a film so bad there is a game running on iMDB to see how long you can manage watching it before switching off in disgust.

I couldn't even find a screencap for this, no-one wants to do it.

0 Film Friday: the first post

This is something I've wanted to do for a while - a regular post on films I enjoy - but then I thought, that's going to get tedious, and I don't even list films like that in my head. So, I started writing down the categories I do keep and... here we are.
The first list, in no particular order.
I hope you like it.

Three films I love (even though they make me so miserable I want to cry)

1) Knowing (2009) Nicholas Cage, Chandler Canterbury and Rose Byrne

 After attending the opening of a time capsule at his son's school, astrophysicist John Koestler (Cage) begins to spot patterns in a seemingly random series of numbers scrawled on a letter from the capsule his son brings home. He realises they indicate events, some of which have already happened - and some which haven't.

I love Nicholas Cage, and sci-fi, and anything involving a race to stop predicted events. This is a terribly clever film, and there are brilliant performances from every character, particularly Chandler Canterbury who plays Cage's son. However, the apocalyptic bent of the film makes it nearly impossible for me to watch it without being consumed by a black hole, the knowledge of my own mortality. About halfway through the film there is a horrific plane crash filmed in one continous shot, burning bodies writhing and screaming, and I watch it every damn time even though I know I'll spend the rest of the night weeping into my Nutella.

2) Big Fish (2003) Ewan McGregor, and everyone else Tim Burton likes

Essentially, this film is a son's quest to understand his dying father, told in Burton's whimsical, roundabout, but ultimately poignant way.

Again, Ewan McGregor is another actor whose career I admire, and he is surrounded in this film by a strong and varied cast. The reason it makes me so sad, though, is that Albert Finney's performance as the eccentric father is so very similar to my deceased grandfather, it makes me well up almost as soon as I see him onscreen. Ever since I first saw this film I've had dreams where my grandfather has made guest appearances, leading me on ridiculous quests and strange lands. It's lovely, but still quite emotional. Curse you, Burton.

3) Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999) Forrest Whittaker

An assassin who models himself on the samurai way of life finds himself the target of mob hits.

You wouldn't think this was my sort of movie, but it is; the moments of precise violence are perfectly balanced with the calm and focus he tries to find in the rest of his life. It's so very moving with toching little interludes with the few friends he has. Every time I watch it I reconsider my entire outlook on life, only to return to staying in my pyjamas all day and watching Red Dwarf.