0 Film Friday #3

Hello, this is a late post, but I did only get up at half twelve today so technically this is about right. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Three TV shows everyone likes but I don't

1) The Sopranos

I know, I really do, but I've tried and it just isn't happening. I want to like The Sopranos so much, I love anything involving organised crime (apart from, you know, actual organised crime) but I struggle - if someone was willing to hunker down with me, a box set, and some terrible food for a few days, I could definitely get it done.

2) Mighty Boosh

When I was still a teenager, this was the funniest show I'd ever seen; I ended up gong to the Mighty Boosh festival, and Mike Fielding DJ'd at my university. A couple of years later I thought, hey! I'll watch that show, I loved it so much - and it just wasn't funny any more. I was astounded at how profoundly stupid it all was, and the magic was just over. People still buy me the merchandise for presents, so hopefully they'll read this and stop because I've got two copies of the book now.

3) Next Top Model

This is supposed to be the paragon of entertainment for girls my age, but for me it's just another show about things I didn't really need to know about in the first place. I like models, I think they're essential to the fashion industry, but any episode I've ever watched has left me feeling twice as inadequate as I did the hour before. The blatant over-hype of looks and skinny flatness is not what bothers me, though; its the fact that, like all of these shows, the people that win them are not going to be the next top anything. You can't win a position like that, attention isn't going to automatically swing in your favour because you won a show - in fact, its probably a disadvantage more than anything. Sure, you'll be handed connections and money, but no-one will ever really think you worked to earn it, even if you did.

0 Film Friday #2

Four films that are so bad I've never watched them all the way through

1) Chances Are (1989) Robert Downey Jr, Cybill Shepherd

Louie Jeffries, a happily married man, is killed while crossing the road on his first anniversary. He is reincarnated as Alex Finch (Downey) and twenty years later an encounter with Louie's daughter starts bringing back memories; he decides to pursue his now-widowed wife (Shepherd), and hilarity ensues.

Well, I imagine it was all supposed to be a joke, I really hope they weren't trying to be serious. It's not the overall premise I disagree with, in fact I consider it in the same vein Ricky Gervais' Ghost Town, but the ending - oh, the ending. I'm telling you what happens, it probably won't spoil the film for you. Louie's daughter is attracted to Finch, which is how he ends up going home with her, meeting her mother, and remembering his past life. Ultimately, he's 'cured' of his memories and hooks up with the daughter - despite everyone knowing he used to be Louie. They all remember him proving who he was, they know deep down that he's the girl's father, but they end up together anyway. I was so incredulous I've never been able to watch the movie without an impending sense of dread, usually resolving in me giving up and watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang instead.

2) High Plains Invaders (2009) James Marsters

In 1892, a man is about to be hanged for his crimes, but first - he must save the town from giant alien bugs.

If I could reach through the screen and slap some sense into my favourite Buffy actor, I would. The whole plot can be summed up in one sentence. This review is already longer than the plot. Its easy to draw parallels with Starship Troopers, but you could get Neil Patrick Harris to guest star as the space bugs' tapdancing, jazz-handed leader wearing nothing but hotpants and a bowtie and I still wouldn't watch it.


3) Lady In The Water (2006) Paul Giamatti

A superintendent finds a mermaid-like creature trapped in the pool of his hotel.

One can only assume M. Night Shyamalan had a nervous break while making this film; I wouldn't be able to explain the plot of this film to you if Bill Murray signing up for Ghostbusters 3 depended on it. The worst part, though, is the character of Vick Ran (played by Shyamalan himself), a writer so inspirational and brilliant the whole fate of the government rests with him. His foil is the despised, idiotic film critic, who meets a violent and unecessary end.

He's basically nailed his personal emotions to a baseball bat and beat you over the head with it. Surprisingly the film was panned by almost all film critics, and Shyamalan has never really bounced back from it.


4) Battle of Los Angeles (2011) Nia Peeples, Kel Mitchell

I know what you're thinking; Battle: Los Angeles was a good film, how could you not watch all of it? No, no - Battle of Los Angeles, a film so bad there is a game running on iMDB to see how long you can manage watching it before switching off in disgust.

I couldn't even find a screencap for this, no-one wants to do it.